Waking Finnegan

“We are such stuff as dreams are made of, and our whole life is rounded with a sleep” ~ Shakespeare

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Location: zurich, Switzerland

Sunday, June 12, 2005

June 11, 2005


At a 'tea' party hosted by a gay Russell Crowe which is happening down the street from my old Bellevue Ave. digs near Silverlake. I'm on the toilet in a blackandwhite tiled (Moderne?) bathroom with contrary curtains---like doilies hanging on dark stained and burly woodrings---all of which makes me mind-flit to huge sailboats and Russell Crowe as Fletcher Christian in some new Hollywood bounty mutiny---now wriggling my toes in the U-rug---and why have I taken off my shoes and socks? I'm sitting on the pot but no action. Freezeframe. I'm trying to catch the conspiratorial falsetto conversation of gravelly-voiced Russell and (?) in the next bathroom. He's raving about some sensational loverboy he's been shagging and once again everything goes quiet---the medicine cabinet mirror over the sink swings open and he's back in his world-famous butchtones and tells me: "Take your fucking dump, flush and leave!"Then he smiles and immediately bellows "Mates, come check out the joker taking a dump!" and the bathroom door handle rattles a bit, then swings open onto a spectral corridor of backlit faces, all peering over one another to get a better view. I'm thinking speedily about how to get out when suddenly all goes silent and my stomach starts rumbling out of control, then lets out a tremendous bronx cheer with reverb effects. I'm feeling overwhelmed with shame and Russell yells "CUT!", and now everyone is applauding wildly at my 'performance'. A picture on the wall next to me pops out and Russell sticks his head through and he tells me "Mate, this is gonna be a world-beater. You've outdone yourself". I can see his face powderstreaked with stray eye-liner tracks and am wondering why an actor of his stature can't get better makeup. He says: "You still haven't flushed, mate. Flush and take a bow". I reach behind and find the cold metal handle and plunge. A muffled gurgling and my balls now getting submerged and I'm hopping about with ankle pants while the water rises and my turds (a baker's dozen) jostling each other over the gangplank and onto the U-rug and Russell's beside himself with joy and yelling out: "You've seen it all yourselves! A star is born, mates!"

33 Comments:

Blogger Perfect Virgo said...

No shoes or socks, how bizarre! This account made me laugh out loud Finnegan. Imagine placing oneself in the most acutely embarrassing social position possible... and then doubling it! And why Russell Crowe?!

A head sticking through a hole in the wall (ceiling) has resonance with me - I expect you remember. That is gut-wrenchingly scary. I wonder why overflow took place?

Your picture is well chosen, I can visualise Simon le Bon leaning into the bow rigging in a pop video there. I particularly like the toilet seat template, most appropriate..

Interestingly enough I too used the word 'gangplank' today.

2:05 PM  
Blogger Perfect Virgo said...

On second thoughts your replacement picture is even more appropriate. Explosive!

2:58 PM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Virgo, As to why things occur the way they do in dreams will probably remain a mystery. Some symbols such as scatological ones, are archetypal. Others, like Russell Crowe 'visitation', are really unexplainable.

Overflow? Go figure. I unplugged the shower drain of my wife's hair recently...

Regarding the switch of toilet seat models, I chose the bomb one because it has more 'impact' so to speak.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Geetanjali said...

First time here - am still trying to figure out what to make of this blog! :-)

This particular post brought back memories of a school camp, when someone inadvertently opened the door on someone sitting on the pot - the person "caught in the act" was quite embarassed (&later furious) to say the least!

Thanks for dropping by my blog - hope to see you there more often!

7:12 AM  
Blogger gulnaz said...

i'm tempted to analyse but i won't.
instead i tell you a lil of what i dreamt yesterday.
i dreamt that there was this person whom i thought to be a spiritual holy type but he turns out to be as regular as the next guy and offers me a ciggerate, puts it to my lips, i take a drag, my brother too is there smoking. but then my dad walks in and the smoke keeps seeping thru my lips and i'm so scared. he gets angry and walks out. i go into the bathroom, this guy is there and i'm crying, i said did no wrong, then i quietly lead him out from another door which opens onto the roof. then i go and hide myself in a corner, curled up into a ball. a nosy woman peeks in and smirks and then soon many ppl come in and its as if they will pray and i feel so guilty. i go out quietly as i shdnt be blocking them. then i come across my dad's uncle ( who died 3 years back) he looks so young and healthy and i cry and i tell him did nothing wrong, he calms me down and tells me its ok and tha my daddy won't be angry.

11:26 AM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Geetanjali, what a cool name you have. If someone called me that, I'd take a big bow.

I guess you couldn't have happened on this blog at a crappier time. I normally don't post such scatological stuff, but I thought what the heck, as long as nobody was filming.

Thanks for stopping by.


Gulnaz, I love that you've shared your rather disturbing dream. The feeling of being ashamed while an authoritative figure either reprimands or coerces is a frequent one for me---'Finnegan's Big Potty Adventure" being one of the 'shittier' versions.

2:37 PM  
Blogger RuKsaK said...

This one made me laugh out loud too. I'm cheap in that some guy shouting about taking a dump will always do it for me. However, as always, your abundant style tickled so many of my senses.

3:15 PM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Ruksak, Glad to be a feather in your senses. I know from having read your blog just how appreciative you are about 'doing one's doody'.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Cocaine Jesus said...

a gay russell crowe? film. action. cut. ankle deep in shit and shallow water.
"take your fucking dump and leave".
the thought of a bunch of people watching me crap is enough to freeze the shit in my pipes let alone having a camera crew all standing watching me. glad to see that when you did let the proverbial fall and dump you did it with the sound of cannon fire.

whatever you take before sleep, be it coffee, coca or fizzy lemonade, please promise me that you won't stop. hilarious stuff.

8:23 PM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Cocaine Jesus, I was thinking about sending this to Russell himself. Maybe he'd get a 'blast' out of it.

What I had that night for dinner: Pizza with tricolore bell peppers, smoked turkey, onions and some fresh pineapple slivers all on top of a creme fraiche layer on my home-made dough. Odd-sounding but deelicious.

Wine was a Riesling.

Dessert was a couple of chocolates from Perigeux.

Does that all sound funny?

9:29 PM  
Blogger Dr. Charles said...

this post combines surrealism with a gothic humor that's bizarrely hilarious! The insertion of russel crowe, who takes himself and his craft WAY too seriously, is a perfect compliment to the fecal nightmare. i loved it!

12:00 AM  
Blogger karma said...

eep. i would die if someone saw me taking a dump, even in my dreams. but Russel Crowe, that's different

2:11 AM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Dr. Charles, Yeah, I've also wondered when he'll finally do a role that doesn't that doesn't scream 'Russell Crowe". Maybe he needs to spoof himself in order to 'blow the lid off'; something with John Waters or the Farrelly or Cohen brothers perhaps?

Karma, Obviously you hold Russell in much higher esteem. Can't tell if it's his hunkhood, 'actority' or something altogether unseemly.

2:55 PM  
Blogger floots said...

Well, it worked for me. I laughed.

But .. invasion of my dump-space? Never! If Crowe popped his head around my door I'd spray his smugmug with bathroom cleanser! Mind you, I shared this morning's evacuation with a book of Chinese verse and the cat came in and curled up in my trackie bottoms between my ankles. Trouble is I was wide awake.

9:15 PM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Floots, Chinese verse plus dump eh? 'Hoo flung Poo' might be an old riddle with a real answer. Is your cat named 'Poo' by any chance. If not, ignore this. If yes, then I imagine your trackies were used like a sling.

10:05 PM  
Anonymous milktea said...

you seem to have a close relationship with russell, huh?

and I laughed with the picture of you having no socks and shoes wriggling your toes. That's probably the reason why you keep on forgetting to flush.

2:31 AM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Milktea, yeah, obviously too close for comfort.

8:12 AM  
Blogger Geetanjali said...

Funny how in the past two days so many ppl have commented on my name - absolutely love my name, for its musical regal quality. It means "an offering of songs" to God and is the title of a compilation of poetry by Tagore, for which he eventually won the Nobel Prize.

9:11 AM  
Blogger d.K.m said...

a potty story.. making it big in hollywood with crowe in the starcast and flushy climax.. just hilarious..

sweetdreams brother..

1:17 PM  
Anonymous The Doctor said...

This dream indicates that you have many many things building up inside of you. You have many ideas and feelings that are, maybe, being withheld from others.

Russell Crowe is simply a representation of your desire for acknowledgement. When you are acknowledged or placed on "the spot" is when the true inside peers (or bursts) out.

This may represent a fear of showing that to so many.

My explanation could also be total bullshit.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Christopher said...

That made me laugh like Johnny Five.

2:56 PM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Geetanjali, I did wonder abou the familiarity of your name; you've confirmed it by having mentioned Tagore's anthology of poems.

I'd seen your name (but spelled in English as 'Gitanjali') while reading a biography based on the life of the great Bengali director Satyajit Ray.

I am impressed!

Kishore, I'm the insane clown potty dumper, no lie.

The Doctor, Danke Herr Doktor Songfroid. Dassss ist sehr lustig.

Speaking of peering out, I've never told you about my 'turtle head' dream, have I?

3:03 PM  
Blogger finnegan said...

Christopher, Johnny Five the robot! That's ancient stuff still stoner funny. I'm flattered.

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a funny writer you are Finnegan. I need more of this and will be back.

7:14 PM  
Blogger Jennynyc said...

Aren't we always on the toilet in our dreams...LOL. Great dream! Also love your background to your blog, friendly to the eyes :)

9:54 PM  
Anonymous Blimey Limey said...

At least he didn't throw a phone at you. Mind you if he did you sure had plenty of ammo to pelt him with. I would imagine those pebble bombs would be rather keen. One last thought, I would include a tablespoon of psyllium husks in your next dump dream.

7:44 AM  
Blogger finnegan said...

anonymous, Thanks a dumpload

jennynyc, I imagine the toilet will be where I'm sent me when The Grim Grunter
comes calling for me.

Glad you like the pattern.

Blimey Limey, Psyllium---sounds like how you get when ingesting an overdose of helium. Silly+Helium=Psyllium

Next time the need arises, I'll call a guy I know of named "Jiffy Geoff"---he usually carries the stuff.

11:00 AM  
Blogger . : A : . said...

I can imagine Russell Crowe behaving exactly the way you have described it here.

4:29 PM  
Blogger finnegan said...

.:a:., Yes, Russell Crowe's 'B' sides.

4:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious

4:55 PM  
Blogger finnegan said...

anon, glad you had a laugh at my expense.

6:56 PM  
Blogger . : A : . said...

Exactly!

11:52 AM  
Blogger finnegan said...

.:a:., which of course means "butt sides", just to make sure.

12:01 PM  

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